@baronvonbike

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

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@FattMernandez

Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.

@jbfan911

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

@2tickytacky

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

@dogheadcoffee

You got acute appendicitis ..

No, YOU got a cute appendicitis *winks at doctor*

@envydatropic

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

@inmybox07

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

@isabelzawtun

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

@TheToddWilliams

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

@WhaJoTalkinBout

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.