I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

You Might Also Like


Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert


Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.


[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came


Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you


I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”


Frankly it’s disgusting that you would engage in character assassination by correctly describing to people something I did in the past


Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You


How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)


SATAN: Turn these stones into bread


SATAN: Turn them into raspberry swirl cheesecake

JESUS: [clenching eyes shut] No