I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

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Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.


Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture


Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.


You got acute appendicitis ..

No, YOU got a cute appendicitis *winks at doctor*


Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”


You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth


Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”



DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said


My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.