*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
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I wish chlamydia was as hard to get as it is to spell.
Her: 911, what’s your emerge-
Me: SOMEONE’S WEARING CROCS!
Her: Sir, that’s not an em-
Me: WITH A FANNY PACK!
Her: I’ll send an officer.
Megan with an h? Whatever Hmegan….
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
A no-good red!
Tough guy eh?
We can do this all night.
It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up.