I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
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Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania