@baronvonbike

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

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@junejuly12

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

@shkeeber

Her: 911, what’s your emerge-

Me: SOMEONE’S WEARING CROCS!

Her: Sir, that’s not an em-

Me: WITH A FANNY PACK!

Her: I’ll send an officer.

@elizaskinner

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

@Angibangie

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

@BlindChow

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

@omgthatspunny

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it

@DrunksWithGuns

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

@Brianhopecomedy

It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up.