@baronvonbike

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

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@KimmyMonte

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

@TigNotaro

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

@CaptPinkbeard

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

@ddsmidt

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

@InternetHippo

Frankly it’s disgusting that you would engage in character assassination by correctly describing to people something I did in the past

@UnFitz

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

@molly7anne

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

@therealeatwood

SATAN: Turn these stones into bread

JESUS: No

SATAN: Turn them into raspberry swirl cheesecake

JESUS: [clenching eyes shut] No