I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
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What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I have a type: disappointing
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.