Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

How do you like your Corgi?

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

The three genders.

Facebook memories be like

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

why I oughta

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

seminar…

Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*

(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.