I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
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I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?