My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
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Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago