Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I just saw an ad for a bulletproof briefcase. The real question is: why does your briefcase have so many enemies?
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Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
“We are out of oranges” he said, fruitlessly.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I’d probably have more friends if I didn’t answer every call with “Why did you save my number?”
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
“How often do you floss?”
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
If Dracula saw Twilight, he’d stake himself.