@juliussharpe

I just saw an ad for a bulletproof briefcase. The real question is: why does your briefcase have so many enemies?

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@andrewgutin

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

@Parkerlawyer

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

@BakwasRadio

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

@OtherDanOBrien

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

@Sean_Burgundy_

I’d probably have more friends if I didn’t answer every call with “Why did you save my number?”

@ShortSleeveSuit

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

@iscoff

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

@DanMentos

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months