I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
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Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.