if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
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Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Think I pulled my liver
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information