@BillFienberg

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

You Might Also Like

@BubblesnBooze

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

@aaronup

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

@chuuew

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

@KalvinMacleod

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

@TheWinegasm

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

@PopSlapFunk

Fun Fact:

You can be charged with home invasion and aggravated assault if you use a box cutter to break down cardboard and a hobo’s inside.

@curlycomedy

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

@KentWGraham

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.