I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”


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If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.


Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please


*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.


In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”


A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.


Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”


So, are you a sub? *he looks into my eyes*

What do you mean, like a sandwich?


Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards