If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
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Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
‘Take this and your life will suck differently.’
~ pharmaceutical ads
So, are you a sub? *he looks into my eyes*
What do you mean, like a sandwich?
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards