I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”


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It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter



Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it


This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]


HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm


Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?


Fun Fact:

You can be charged with home invasion and aggravated assault if you use a box cutter to break down cardboard and a hobo’s inside.


Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.


I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.