It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
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Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I received my first unsolicited goat pic. Not kidding.
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
You can be charged with home invasion and aggravated assault if you use a box cutter to break down cardboard and a hobo’s inside.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.