Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
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Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
🙋♀️
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
rise and shine we got egg
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope