“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
I just saw an old guy pick a rubber glove out of a garbage can and put it on, and I think he might be missing the point of rubber gloves.
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Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
INVESTOR: But how will I know when it’s done?
INVENTOR OF THE TOASTER: Think of the most startled you’ve ever been.
Thanks, motion sensor restroom sinks, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.0000251 seconds anyway
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
So carrying a “wet floor” sign and putting it down immediately after using your best pickup line on a woman is frowned upon
Dating is hard.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Shout out to girls that have a relationship with prisoners. At least they always know where their man is at.
*gets caught kissing an optical illusion* it’s not what it looks like!