I just saw an old guy pick a rubber glove out of a garbage can and put it on, and I think he might be missing the point of rubber gloves.

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“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams


Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.


INVESTOR: But how will I know when it’s done?

INVENTOR OF THE TOASTER: Think of the most startled you’ve ever been.


Thanks, motion sensor restroom sinks, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.0000251 seconds anyway


Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.


Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.


So carrying a “wet floor” sign and putting it down immediately after using your best pickup line on a woman is frowned upon

Dating is hard.


Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b


Shout out to girls that have a relationship with prisoners. At least they always know where their man is at.


*gets caught kissing an optical illusion* it’s not what it looks like!