Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
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Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
what is cheese if not milk persevering
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
(Electricians.)
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave