I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
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Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I have questions??
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
A ghost story
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.