Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
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“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight