Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
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Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
cat vs inanimate object
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.