@supermarkusa

I Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m seriously hoping that she’s having an affair.

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@Jarhead44

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

@Jazzzzzmina

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

@ElgatoEsmio

[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]

[rubs Genie bottle]

“can you hook me up with some wifi?”

@honzogonzo

My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”

@jasonlight73

I like to cover my tracks by ending all my Google searches with the word “hypothetically”

@UnFitz

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

@brichie13

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

@omgshuddup

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?