I’m not religious but I’m spiritual, which means I think the mothman prophecy is real and I don’t feel bad about shoplifting
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
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me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
[password must be longer]
Saturday in my 20’s: “Nice, this club is hot! gimme a Vodka tonic!”
Tonight: “Nice, grocery store is empty, ooh I got coupon for that !!”
My favorite part about Harry Potter is the imaginary world it takes place in. I often wonder what England would be like if it was real.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Look ma no friends