I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
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Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids