@nickmullen I’m not religious but I’m spiritual, which means I think the mothman prophecy is real and I don’t feel bad about shoplifting
@MomofTeen I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
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@nickmullen 
@clichedout me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
@sixfootcandy Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
@truegritrumble (At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
@alexmyth_design [enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
@InkedUpKidder Saturday in my 20’s: “Nice, this club is hot! gimme a Vodka tonic!”
Tonight: “Nice, grocery store is empty, ooh I got coupon for that !!”
@Home_Halfway My favorite part about Harry Potter is the imaginary world it takes place in. I often wonder what England would be like if it was real.
@TheCatWhisprer Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
@CornerPubRon When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
@mzeld Look ma no friends