I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
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Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Strangers have the best candy.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?