Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
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Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
“WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME RIGHT NOW?”
-the first person to drink coffee
*dog barks at absolutely everything, every time*
Me: SHUT UP
*dog barks at burglar, one time*
Me: It’s like he just knew there was danger
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price is Right” audience.
You hurt the feelings of a person who was once the crush of a person who was once a friend of mine so you’re a BAD person.
~ internet logic
But people, if you have a gift card that is all used up, do not drop it in a urinal please—it’s a Big letdown to fish it out all for nothing
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.