I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
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I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?