@BoogTweets

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

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@KylePlantEmoji

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

@joeljeffrey

[Eating]

Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …

@TheAlexNevil

“WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME RIGHT NOW?”

-the first person to drink coffee

@WritePlay

*dog barks at absolutely everything, every time*

Me: SHUT UP

*dog barks at burglar, one time*

Me: It’s like he just knew there was danger

@funderlaw

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

@tdwyer618

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price is Right” audience.

@ShoutingGoddess

You hurt the feelings of a person who was once the crush of a person who was once a friend of mine so you’re a BAD person.

~ internet logic

@ThatManBobScott

But people, if you have a gift card that is all used up, do not drop it in a urinal please—it’s a Big letdown to fish it out all for nothing

@mom_ontherocks

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.