I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
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She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?