your astrological sign + what’s to blame for all your problems
aries: the moon
taurus: the moon
gemini: the moon
cancer: the moon
leo: the moon
virgo: the moon
libra: the moon
scorpio: being a scorpio
sagittarius: the moon
capricorn: the moon
aquarius: the moon
pisces: the moon
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Don’t the networks have censors any more?
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
7: Its the last week of school so we don’t have to go. Can I stay home?
Me: Ha! Nice try, kid.
Teacher: Its true.
Me: Ha! NICE TRY, TEACHER.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
When I’m bored I venmo cash to strangers with messages like “you looked so peaceful while you were sleeping”.