I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
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No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.