
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I just saw three dudes wearing denim shirts with denim jeans. Who’s responsible for this shit? Canada? Was it you, Canada?
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Dear Prudence,
We missed out flight when the TSA discovered my musket hidden in my carry on bag.
Also, I couldn’t get my cell phone to charge because electricity hasn’t been invented yet.
#RevolutionaryWarAirports
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot