It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I just saw three dudes wearing denim shirts with denim jeans. Who’s responsible for this shit? Canada? Was it you, Canada?
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My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
We missed out flight when the TSA discovered my musket hidden in my carry on bag.
Also, I couldn’t get my cell phone to charge because electricity hasn’t been invented yet.
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot