
In hell, your socks are always wet
I just saw three dudes wearing denim shirts with denim jeans. Who’s responsible for this shit? Canada? Was it you, Canada?
In hell, your socks are always wet
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Just apologized to my dog for being a crazy person, and I could tell by the way she didn’t respond that she’s been thinking it for a while.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.