In hell, your socks are always wet
I just saw three dudes wearing denim shirts with denim jeans. Who’s responsible for this shit? Canada? Was it you, Canada?
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Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Just apologized to my dog for being a crazy person, and I could tell by the way she didn’t respond that she’s been thinking it for a while.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.