@BigHeb7

I just saw three dudes wearing denim shirts with denim jeans. Who’s responsible for this shit? Canada? Was it you, Canada?

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@Peauxtassium

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

@DadandBuried

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

@Beesthegame

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.

@Carbosly

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

@DurtMcHurtt

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

@SvnSxty

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

@jswilliams1962

Dear Prudence,

We missed out flight when the TSA discovered my musket hidden in my carry on bag.

Also, I couldn’t get my cell phone to charge because electricity hasn’t been invented yet.

#RevolutionaryWarAirports

@Ivsy01

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot