@NicolleDWallace

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

- @NicolleDWallace

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@BrassBallsCJ

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

@splegge

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

@IAmKashWah

Interviewer: How do you hit those high notes?
Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil.
Interviewer: Excuse me?
Adam Levine: Practice.

@TweetPotato314

me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise

[later]

wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying

@murrman5

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

@NateMorrising

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

@Home_Halfway

[Enter Password]
abc1234
[Password weak. Password accepted, but system cannot respect you.]

@poetastrologers

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

@david8hughes

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

@Angibangie

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]