I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
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A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.