I just seen a kid yell at his dad and tell him “No jerk!”

I yelled at my dad once when I was 12, then I woke up and I was 16.

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I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*


No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.


The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?


14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’


Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.


You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.


The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.


Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*


As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe


I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.