The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
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Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
bought wrong eggs
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir