I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
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WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
early stone age tool
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*