I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
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Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad