@Pirate_nurse

I just shaved my legs for the first time in 2 weeks so if you will come clean out my tub I won’t judge u for making a beautiful rug

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@david8hughes

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

@CulturedRuffian

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

@YourTextSpoken

Just by reading the Marilyn Monroe quote you’re already handling them at their worst

@ChrisScarlette

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh ūüôā

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

@krisv_723

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

@iGreenMonk

“For God’s sex, stop making fun of my English.”

#WhereEnglishFails

@DanMentos

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

@Shade510

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I‚Äôve been practicing my ‚ÄúMenacing Dad Face‚ÄĚ all day….so far I‚Äôve had a colleague offer me Tums.