Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I just shaved my legs for the first time in 2 weeks so if you will come clean out my tub I won’t judge u for making a beautiful rug
You Might Also Like
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Just by reading the Marilyn Monroe quote you’re already handling them at their worst
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
“For God’s sex, stop making fun of my English.”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.