I just shaved my legs for the first time in 2 weeks so if you will come clean out my tub I won’t judge u for making a beautiful rug

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Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?


I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.


Just by reading the Marilyn Monroe quote you’re already handling them at their worst


*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh ūüôā

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*


You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.


“For God’s sex, stop making fun of my English.”



Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto


Daughter has prom tomorrow so I‚Äôve been practicing my ‚ÄúMenacing Dad Face‚ÄĚ all day….so far I‚Äôve had a colleague offer me Tums.