What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
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me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.