I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
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My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.