I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

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Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please


Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]


My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.


“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics


Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.


I want to pick up a hitchhiker before I die. Not like right before I die, but you know.


“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul


20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!


Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.


It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.