Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
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“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
If I ever murder anyone I’m going to hide the body on my second or third page of favstar where no one will ever find it
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Computer: choose a password
Computer: confirm password
Computer: passwords do not match
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.