@BlondAmbitionTO

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

You Might Also Like

@onion_an

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

@Marlebean

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

@LouisPeitzman

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

@rzarosco

If I ever murder anyone I’m going to hide the body on my second or third page of favstar where no one will ever find it

@WilliamRodgers

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

@Elizasoul80

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

@professorkiosk

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match

@rickolantern

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

@chelliet22

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.