I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
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9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.