@Kids_kubed

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

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@mugkip

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

@super_morgasm

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

@YeezyEducatedMe

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

@ObsKenobs

Ghost Obi-Wan: You will go to the Dagobah system

Luke: Dagobah system?

Ghost Obi-Wan: There you will learn from Yoda

Ghost Obi-Wan: mostly about doing handstands

Ghost Obi-Wan: he’s really big on handstands honestly it’s like 96% handstands

@KKAlThani

Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption “Summer is finally here!” or we wouldn’t have known it’s summer.

@jus4golf

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

@Dr_awfulpants

If your boss says “Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you supposed to be in at 8am?” don’t correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.

@AnecdtlBrthCtrl

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

@Bearslietoo

Saw a squirrel get hit by a car earlier.Felt kinda bad,but I don’t think the squirrel gave a shit that the Smart Car was totaled.