I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
You Might Also Like
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Beauty and the Beast
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space