When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
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okay just dont let her know you’re a trump supporter
Her: so what kinda wine should I get
Me: haha white is always the best
“You’re not the pizza guy.” Bin Laden’s last words.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Before this goes any further, it’s important that I know your position on foreign films with subtitles.
her: ma’am, can I help you?
me: I’m just waitin for church
her: for what? ma’am are…
*produce sprinkler turns on*
me: shh! It’s time, lettuce spray.
her: [bows head respectfully]
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun
her: I see
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?