I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

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When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button


[First date]
okay just dont let her know you’re a trump supporter

Her: so what kinda wine should I get

Me: haha white is always the best


Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?


[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*


Before this goes any further, it’s important that I know your position on foreign films with subtitles.


[grocery shopping]

her: ma’am, can I help you?
me: I’m just waitin for church
her: for what? ma’am are…
*produce sprinkler turns on*
me: shh! It’s time, lettuce spray.
her: [bows head respectfully]


Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.


her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see


What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?