I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
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My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
mentally somewhere in italy
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.