@caithuls

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

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@theDapperilla

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

@JJSummertime

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

@Brampersandon_

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

@loribuckmajor

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

@EvanSilliams

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

@ilovepie84

Fool me once shame on you, fool me 237 times you must be the wrong Tupperware lid

@MykaFox

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

@DothTheDoth

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.