I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

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I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary


Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.


*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch


I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!


ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house


Fool me once shame on you, fool me 237 times you must be the wrong Tupperware lid


Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐


In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.