I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
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“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy