I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
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Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”