I just spent $100 at Whole Foods. This better be a damn good bag of Almonds.

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*holds up severed head

The crowd stared in horror as the National Spelling Bee contest took a morbid twist.


Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?


Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”


Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.


Told my mom “The D” stood for donuts, and now she won’t stop telling people she wants the chocolate D.



HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.


Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn’t good enough on Idols, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.


Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.


My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over


I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.