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Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Body by cheese-puffs.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Big Sex has us all fooled
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’