I just spent $100 at Whole Foods. This better be a damn good bag of Almonds.

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I just want to have enough followers so that my children can tweet comfortably for the rest of their lives.


I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.


Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.


Biden: can i put whoopee cushions under all the chairs before he gets here

Obama: joe im on the phone

Biden:*muttering* u didnt say not to


Yes Grandma, I’m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq


Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.


I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.


My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes


I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.


HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely