@concretesledge_

I just spent $100 at Whole Foods. This better be a damn good bag of Almonds.

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@thestlouisan

I just want to have enough followers so that my children can tweet comfortably for the rest of their lives.

@TheCatWhisprer

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

@Izianikapani

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

@roostermustache

Biden: can i put whoopee cushions under all the chairs before he gets here

Obama: joe im on the phone

Biden:*muttering* u didnt say not to

@AphroditeAfter5

Yes Grandma, I’m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq

@LostFelicia

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

@joeljeffrey

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

@BruceForce

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

@bvinson23

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

@maisonwithapen

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely