I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
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If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.