I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

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you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*



How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*


How many calories in a bottle of white wine?


If I learned anything from Forest Gump it’s that people who love to run are retarded.


Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?


[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?


if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run


From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.


I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.