I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
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Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Penguins walking in 5x speed
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.