I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
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Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
me
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.