Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
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You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
WORKER: so do you want that
WORKER: what else
A man has emailed to tell me I am a bad journalist because the statistics in my article are actually four years old.
I wrote it in 2013.
After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eat’s the male. Guess she knows it’s easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.
I’m surprised my son doesn’t think his name is ‘stopit’
Chicken feet heels