@ThatBrenna

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

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@TheAlexNevil

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

@truegritrumble

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

@jonnysun

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

@OutOfLeftField_

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

@Chumpstring

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

@DawnHFoster

A man has emailed to tell me I am a bad journalist because the statistics in my article are actually four years old.

I wrote it in 2013.

@Dirty_Naomi

After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eat’s the male. Guess she knows it’s easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.