I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
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If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.