I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
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Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language