My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
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My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I need to update my racial profile.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce