@ElKnuckelhombre

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

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@fro_vo

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

@knot_eye

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

@BigJDubz

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

@avainwordland

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

@GamerPres2020

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

@noog

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

@timdonakowski

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

@OrangeFact

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

@difficultpatty

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.