I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
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The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
“Huge”.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.