I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

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If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.


“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”


My daughter: Do you want a kiss daddy?
Me: Of course.
My daughter: Does it make you sad that no other girls want to kiss you?
Me: Thanks.


If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?


Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.


[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP


I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’


Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”


If Eve sacrificed the whole human race for an apple, have you ever wondered what she would have done for a cucumber?