I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
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Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads