I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
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Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY