my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
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Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)