I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
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me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Finally!
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?