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Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
iPhone X
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.