@Mothpete

I just sprayed hair glitter onto a fly instead of insect spray. Not dead… but pretty fly.

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@GuyBreakup

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

@Darlainky

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

@RoosterMustache

Me: u can walk around without shoes

Teacher: right

Me: but after a while it hurts your feet

Teacher: ok

Me: so time wounds all the heels

@Lunatic_times

It might be a sign you have a drinking problem when the cashier at the liquor store asks if you own a bar.

@cdncyn

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God….
I texted her and said
“I saw that”
You should of seen her face
Priceless

@dorsalstream

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

@NewDadNotes

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

@alexlumaga

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill