I had to share this!!!
I just sprayed hair glitter onto a fly instead of insect spray. Not dead… but pretty fly.
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Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
If you don’t mind..
Me: u can walk around without shoes
Me: but after a while it hurts your feet
Me: so time wounds all the heels
It might be a sign you have a drinking problem when the cashier at the liquor store asks if you own a bar.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God….
I texted her and said
“I saw that”
You should of seen her face
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill