Your secrets safe with me..
I stopped listening to you 30 minutes ago…
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
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me getting out of time machine i did it
wife did what
me i killed the guy who invented punctuation
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
How to tie the strongest knot ever:
1. Put some headphones in your pocket.
2. Wait one minute.
Ta Da !
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Him: my gf left me
Me: theres plenty of fish in the sea
Him: yeah but-
Me: also a squirrel
Me: and a sponge in a pineapple
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*