I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
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[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.