I just stabbed a pin in my arm.

Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’

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Your secrets safe with me..

I stopped listening to you 30 minutes ago…


me getting out of time machine i did it

wife did what

me i killed the guy who invented punctuation


My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?


How to tie the strongest knot ever:

1. Put some headphones in your pocket.
2. Wait one minute.

Ta Da !


I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!


*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up


Him: my gf left me

Me: theres plenty of fish in the sea

Him: yeah but-

Me: also a squirrel

Him: …what

Me: and a sponge in a pineapple


Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.


*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*